#8. How I Feel (guest blog)

by Jeff N.*

cEvery day of school I feel is a constant struggle. I get up and go to my class and the same things happens: nothing but disappointment. I feel every time I get back an assignment or test, I put it in my backpack soaked in tears.

Every day in our classes, we strive for a letter. A letter tells you whether you are brilliant or an idiot or just an average kid with an average GPA like me. There’s nothing special about me. Everyone has a subject they excel in but I feel I don’t. Every class for me is a struggle, whether I am doing well or not.

I’m in 3 Honors classes and I feel all everyone talks about is grades. Kids will try everything to scope out an advantage or get a point added to their grade. I feel we don’t learn things to really know them but to know them in the moment to know just for that one test.

All I feel is the things we learn are really just things we remember and if you have a good memory, you’ll do fine. Teachers tell us to study and I feel studying is just memorizing for hours so I can come in and talk to my classmates about how much time I wasted just rereading the material before taking a test.

I’m tired of getting an assignment back and a flood of people swirling around me asking, “What did you get?” I always feel belittled by everyone else’s grades and feel ashamed of faintly saying my grade is a 70 or a 60 while they reply, “Oh that stinks. I got a 90.”

Every time I step in the school building I wonder when will it be done? The only class I can express myself in is my creative writing class. I feel this is the only class I can express my feelings truly and not sit in silence like I do in my other classes or pretend I’m in a good mood while I’m really inside my heart is rotting, especially when I get a grade back.

Worst of all is report card day. I could get  A’s, B’s, and that occasional C and feel satisfied about myself until people around me talk about how they have a 3.9 or 4.0 GPA and constantly talk about their future ambitions.

I don’t know my future but it doesn’t seem too bright because where can you go in life if you’re just an average kid?


*Jeff N. is a 14-year-old student at a traditional high school.  This piece is published with permission.

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